There is a certain bliss in ignorance. As a child, I had a certain innocence, a naivete, lots of unknowns that I did not have to worry about. I liked feeling dependent, carefree, taken care of. I liked leaving stuff to the grown-ups to figure out. I remember when I got my first job as an alcohol and drug counselor in 1985, my supervisor said to me, that this was the kind of job that would open my eyes in a way that had never been opened before and I would not be able to close them back again. I did not have a clue what she meant, but I was soon to find out. A few months later, I went home to Jamaica for Christmas. The eye-opening started. I was hit with my father's drinking problem and my family's dysfunctional glory. It was so obvious now, but had been so hidden to me in the past. I remember some of his friends and family coming by their regular weekend visits. Hours later, our chance for a nice family day together trashed, everybody's eyes were red, all slurring their speech.... Yuck! Put the blinders back on please! There is a luxury in childhood that changes when you become an adult. Some things I would prefer not to know or have to deal with. It would be easier sometimes to turn my back, to walk away, to have someone else deal with life.... Over three years since first doing The Avatar course, the blinders keep falling off and reality keeps hitting me square in the face. I find myself sometimes in a curious place. At times, I want to slip back into old behavior and ignorance, but my awakened responsibility will not let me go there. If I do not see it, I can get away with doing it. But once a pattern, a behavior is revealed to me... I feel called to take action.... to be responsible. In college, I used to invent such elaborate stories... lies... to cover my not showing up for class, not doing my work. They professors would always buy the story and I, on some twisted level, loved my creative skill to get me out of a bind. Now, I cannot sugar coat things knowingly. I see it plainly for what it is, and I recognize that lying will lead me down a slippery, dangerous slope. I have discovered that my ego has gotten pretty clever at hiding things from myself. It knows that this is the only way it is going to get anything by me now. Cleverly disguised, wrapped-up neatly in packages that do a side-step dance and the games continue. The Avatar Integrity and Wizard courses really shook me up to the games that I was playing. They are unraveling before my eyes. There is much clean-up to do after 45 years, but amazingly, I feel so much lighter and freer. Who I have been pretending to be is becoming crystal clear. I am tired of living a reactive life, blaming others, taking a back seat to my life, spinning in circles... I like making conscious decisions. I like living deliberately. I like clarity and honesty. I am feeling a huge reward from living responsibly. It's the kind of reward that money cannot buy. Virtues are their own reward. I heard that before as a child, now I am experiencing it. Try it on for yourself and see! I feel like I am on a spiritual path and the fast forward button has been pushed! Enlightenment with an accelerator! It feels like I am moving quickly through issues that intuitively, I believe would take much longer without the tools that I have at my disposal. I feel so supported, loved and guided every step of the way. It is wonderful to feel alignment and connection with like-minded people. Incredibly powerful and energizing. I am enjoying living with my eyes wide open! |
