At 8 weeks pregnant I had an ultrasound and couldnt believe what I saw, a tiny little flickering heart from the new life that was growing inside of me, my husband and I were overwhelmed with joy.

3 weeks on and I was now 11 weeks pregnant, I woke up that morning thinking only 1 week to go until Im safe (from miscarriage). Not that I had been terribly concerned as I didnt think that sort of thing would ever happen to me.

I went off to the toilet and noticed a spot of blood, I reassured myself by recalling that books state this can be quite normal. I kept the issue to myself hoping it would just pass. After obsessively returning to the toilet to check what was happening I decided to inform my husband that I was spotting. We went to the doctors who assured me that this can be very normal and sent me on my way. Somehow I new that this was not right, I told my husband that I felt empty inside that something had gone wrong. The bleeding increased over that night so by the next morning we were at the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity they finally ordered an ultrasound. My husband and I sat in silence looking intently at the screen waiting to see the flickering that had bought us so much joy just 3 weeks before. There was no flicker, it had stopped and with that I felt like my heart had stopped too. The pain that I felt was indescribable I felt I was falling into a deep dark hole and although my husbands arms were around me and despite his consoling words I felt I was very much alone.

The next 24 hours were horrific for me, I had been scheduled for a dilation and curette the next day but during the night I had terrible contractions every 20 mins and the bleeding had increased how could this be happening and why does it have to be so cruel, not only losing the baby I wanted so much but to do it with such pain. I felt as though my baby and my heart were ripped away from me. By morning the physical pain had gone and so had my little one.

During the weeks to come the heartache did not stop. The crying slowed but not when I was alone. Friends and family offered consoling words but they had no effect. I felt extremely alone, it was all I could think about but no-one seemed to understand, the subject was passed over very quickly like it was a forbidden topic. The words there must have been something wrong with it, it happens for a reason, at least it was only early days or the statistics 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way were not what I wanted to hear, I knew all that but what I wanted to hear was an explanation with 100% certainty why had this happened to me, I wanted answers to questions that could not be answered, and that would never be answered.

That tiny lifes flicker will always be in my memory and nothing can ever take its special little place, but as the weeks turned into months the sobs did pass and the pain did lessen. That deep dark place I fell into got lighter and over time I realised that I was not alone, that those consoling words I did not want to hear were my friends and family trying the only way that they knew how to turn the light back on for me in that deep dark hole.

I decided to write this article to hopefully help those that have recently gone through the trauma of miscarriage to realise that they are not alone and that the emotions they are feeling are a normal response.

I also hope that from a family or friends point of view that you can take away a few tips to help your grieving loved one. To me what you can do to help is

1. Listen, they will want to talk about it, if you try to change the conversation it gives a feeling that the life they just lost was insignificant.

2. Try to avoid if possible using these lines in the first few weeks:

You can have another one at least it was early days there must have been something wrong with it it happens for a reason These words although may have a ring of truth are not consoling at the time.

3. Do-not avoid her, give her lots of hugs and let her know that she has her family and friends around.

There are support services set up for those that have suffered miscarriage both locally and on the web. These can be useful especially if no-one else around has experienced the same trauma. Talking to people who have had the same experience can make you feel less alone.