Most people cant get behind the wheel of a car for the first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can. Most people cant sit down at a piano for the first time and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can play whatever they hear by ear. Most people wont put their trust in someone who they know is emotionally damaged, had a hard life, and a history of troubled relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do. One thing youve learned from your experience is that youre uncritical to a fault. Youre so prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of yourself) that youre blind to the warning signs. Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others cant. Some are good at maths; others arent. Its not a question of better or worse. Its a simple fact. Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn. So how do you do it? Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colours. Make a written record of every little incident where a new partner behaves in a way that you dont quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesnt get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things. Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then thats probably exactly what hell say about you, one day. If theyve all disappointed him, you can bet youll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life. Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you. Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You wont be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you dont, then you really should not be with him. Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you. If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they dont like him theres probably a good reason and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend is a bitch. If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, thats your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly cant do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him. If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love wont change his behaviour. Get a copy of Hes just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way hell treat you when they dont. Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you arent putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. Learn to love yourself first. That doesnt mean you shouldnt love other people, its simply doing the opposite of putting yourself last. Youve seen where putting yourself last has ever got you. 2006 (C) Annie Kaszina |
